Assertiveness is Not Aggressiveness

Assertiveness is often misunderstood. It’s not about dominating a conversation or overpowering others. Instead, assertiveness is rooted in balance — a confident expression of one’s rights and priorities while respecting the rights and perspectives of others. It’s about meeting the world with an attitude of, “I’m okay, you’re okay,” treating others as equals and communicating what you need without tipping into aggression or passivity.

The problem arises when assertiveness is mislabelled. Too often, when individuals — particularly women or those from underrepresented groups — stand up for their values calmly and confidently, they’re dismissed as aggressive. This mischaracterisation undermines the core of assertiveness: a positive and empowering way to interact with others.

Assertiveness begins with boundaries. Knowing when to say yes and when it’s important to say no helps clarify your priorities, especially in challenging conversations. It’s not only about protecting your own rights but also about finding balance with your responsibilities. By understanding both what you need and what is expected, you create a framework for assertive behaviour. Without this balance, assertiveness can tip into aggression, where personal needs are prioritised at the expense of others, or passivity, where responsibilities to others overshadow your own values.

True assertiveness involves more than just standing firm — it’s about fostering mutual understanding. As the Harvard Business Review notes, effective assertiveness creates space for productive conversations. It’s not about imposing your will but inviting dialogue, setting clear expectations, and encouraging collaboration. Leaders who embody this approach don’t just advocate for themselves — they create an environment where others feel empowered to express their needs as well.

Developing assertiveness is a skill, not an innate quality. It starts with permitting yourself to set your values and priorities and then finding the confidence to communicate them clearly and without apology. At its heart, assertiveness is not about control but about creating balance — standing firm on what matters while remaining open to the perspectives of others.

Finding this balance is rarely simple. There are moments when the pull toward passivity or aggression may feel overwhelming. And, on rare occasions, it may even be the responsible option. However, assertiveness is about resisting those extremes, maintaining clarity, and ensuring that every interaction moves closer to mutual understanding. It allows leaders to navigate challenges confidently, creating trust and collaboration with those they engage with.